Imposter Syndrome… the thief of joy…
When I got the three emails yesterday, my first thought was that they were more spam contest emails, and then I vaguely remembered entering said contest. I opened and skimmed the email. It appeared to be an announcement letter, thanking and complimenting the judges and entrants. Then I remembered that I had entered all three books into that contest. I clicked the link and was greeted by a giant heart made of book covers, and there in the upper right quadrant was Mary Not Broken. Did this mean I won something?
Well… that’s exactly what it means. I scrolled down the page of winning book covers looking for Mary Not Broken and BAM!… stumbled upon Glory Unbound as the winner for Women’s Fiction. I scrolled further down the page and found Mary Not Broken as the winner in the African American category! Then I saw the full list of winners.
In the African American category, Mary Not Broken was the winner, and Glory Bishop and Glory Unbound were finalists. I was stunned, so I paged through the list, stopping at the categories I remembered entering. Glory Unbound and Mary Not Broken were both finalists in the Literary Fiction category. And finally, Glory Unbound was the winner in Women’s Fiction, and Glory Bishop and Mary Not Broken were finalists. All in all, I won and/or placed eight times. To say I was surprised would be a gross understatement.
I’m a cheerleader. Not the short-skirt-flippy kind. I’m the kind of cheerleader that encourages you and believes in you and knows deep in my heart that you’re good enough and that you’ll succeed. I relish the opportunity to see you rise and shine and take the world by storm. I believe you’re beyond good enough. You’re great.
But yeah… all that cheer leading doesn’t apply to me.
After reading through the list, my first thought was “They probably only had 20 entries in the whole contest so they had to give the wins to me.” Then came “The competition couldn’t’a been that tough if I won that much.” And even “OMG, they think you’re a real writer!” Even as I sat at my computer laying out graphics for each win or place, I berated myself for not winning in all three categories that I entered, and questioned whether or not the judges really meant to award me.
At no time did I believe I was deserving.
I’m still not sure I am… and I have no idea how to get over this major self-doubt. I believe my writing is good, but why am I always amazed when somebody else believes that also? Why can’t I just take the W and be happy about it.
Anyway… that’s the latest. Yes, I’ve got a therapist and I’m working on acceptance. Bookcamp is in a month and I’m excited to be working on my fourth book. If all goes well, it should be ready for editing by the end of summer.
Woohoo! have a great Memorial Day!
